Akatsuki summer holiday!
by LoneWolf KIA
Summary: Following an unfortunate argument and the discovery of Pein's toast fetish, the Akatsuki take a well deserved trip to Orlando, Florida. Featuring gender confusion, sex education, drugs, cavity searches and gratutious crotch maiming! Please review now!
1. Toast Fetish and Bunny Slippers

Akatsuki summer holiday!

The Akatsuki base echoed with the daily clatter of everyday noise; kitchen utensils banging together, kettles boiling, and Deidara screaming: "I _AM_ A MAN!!!" Pein marched through the corridors in his pink, 'Hello Kitty' dressing gown, questing for a cup of coffee. Finally he managed to find his way into the kitchen, where he proceeded to pour himself a cup of (black) coffee. He put a slice of bread into the toaster. He waited for the toast to burn to a crisp. A dinging sound rang out as the toast catapulted from the toaster. Suddenly there was a huge crash as the wall next to the toaster exploded outwards. Through the hole burst Hidan and Deidara, locked together in mortal combat. Time seemed to slow as the pair looked up at Pein, standing directly in their flight path. Pein's eyes widened as Hidan's screaming face struck the burnt toast in mid air, searing hot bread melting the skin and burning through to the bone. With a sickening crunch, the three Akatsuki collided, ending up sprawled on the kitchen tiles. Pein sat up with a groan before his eyes suddenly snapped open as he realised what had happened.

"Oh my God!" He cried, "Are you OK?"

"Actually, I think my spine is broken…" moaned Deidara.

Pein glared at him. "Not you!" He shouted, "my toast!"

He peeled the blackened bread off Hidan's smouldering face. "My baby…" he whined, caressing the toast. "It's alright, I'm here now."

Without warning, Pein took a huge bite and tore the toast in half, gulping it down hungrily like a starving lion. The others looked on in disgust. When Pein had devoured the last of the toast, he licked his lips and grinned maliciously at a loaf of bread on the counter.

"You're next!" He hissed, pointing at the bread.

Hidan and Deidara shared a look. Hidan glanced down at Pein's bunny slippers, partially hidden under the girly dressing gown.

_Morning's don't treat Pein well… _he thought.

Pein turned his attention to Hidan and Deidara.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." He said. "Now what were you fighting about this time?"

They looked at each other. Deidara coughed, embarrassed.

"Whether a kangaroo would beat a panda in a knife fight or not…" he mumbled.

Pein blinked at them and rubbed his temples.

"I need a holiday…" he said under his breath.

It was a miniscule sound, but somebody heard it from the other side of the base. All through the building, members of the Akatsuki were puzzled by a rapid scuttling sound moving incredibly fast all the way through the base. Pein heard it and immediately realised what it meant.

"Oh no…" he gasped. He waved frantically at Hidan and Deidara. "Quick! Bar the door!"

They slammed it shut, moving a shelf in front of it so it couldn't be opened. Unfortunately, they forgot about the massive gaping hole they left in the wall. Before they could react, a blurred shape zoomed through it. Pein screamed as the shape clamped onto him, knocking the bunny slippers flying as he was flung across the kitchen.

"HOLIDAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!" shrieked Tobi, violently shaking Pein up and down.

* * *

The members of the Akatsuki sat together in the lounge, a pile of holiday brochures on the coffee table.

"OK…" sighed Konan. "We've narrowed it down to Orlando." She glared at Kakuzu. "Or the city morgue…"

"Hand's up for Orlando!" said Pein.

All but one hand went up.

"Hand's up for the morgue…"

Kakuzu's hand slowly rose.

Pein yawned. "Then it's decided: the Akatsuki are going to Orlando!"

* * *

Kakuzu sat on his bed, staring at the small suitcase.

"It's not going to fit." He commented, watching Hidan attempt to fit his enormous scythe inside. "And I don't think they'll let you take that on board anyway."

Meanwhile Itachi was fishing a pair of sunglasses out of the closet. Konan frowned at him.

"But you're blind," she said, "You don't need eye protection."

Itachi held up a white cane. "Yeah, but they give you a discount if you're disabled." He replied. "I want to make sure they believe I'm blind."

The other Akatsuki stopped and stared at each other as invisible light bulbs appeared above their heads.

"What the fuck?" exclaimed Pein.

The Akatsuki were standing beside a bus, suitcases at the ready. All of them expect Pein were wearing sunglasses and carrying white canes.

"This isn't going to work." He said. "Take them off and get on the freaking bus! NOW!"


	2. Wheels on the bus

Chapter 2

"Tree… tree… tree… tree… tree… tree… tree… cow… fence… tree… tree… tree… tree… house… tree… hobo… tree… tree… lesbian coven… tree… tree…"

"Tobi!" screamed Hidan, "Shut the fuck up!"

Tobi quietened down. The Akatsuki had been on the bus for four hours and were still a long way from the airport. Hidan was regretting sitting next to Tobi as he had already done the 'are we there yet' thing for two hours non-stop. He was curretly one tree away from having his tongue cut off. Pein was asleep with his legs up on the headrest of the seat in front.

"Pein!" shouted Konan from the seat behind.

Pein let out a loud snore.

"Pein!" she cried again, poking him in the head.

He snored even louder.

"Pein!" *poke* "Pein!" *poke* "Pein!" *poke* "Pein!" *poke poke* "PEIN!" *slap*

"WHAT!?!?" screamed Pein.

Konan looked worried. "Zetsu doesn't look too well."

Pein slumped back down. "Reeeaaaaly…" he yawned. "What's up?"

"He's gone green!"

Pein sighed. "It's probably just travel-sickness. Tell him to…" Pein stopped.

Konan and Zetsu were doubled over laughing.

"Oh very funny." Pein grumbled. "Don't come crying to me when you catch Chlamydia, biatch."

Konan and Zetsu stopped laughing and looked at uncomfortably at each other, wondering what exactly Pein knew that they didn't. It was at that point that Tobi came up with his greatest idea ever.

"_The wheels on the bus go round and round!" _he screeched, causing everyone to clutch at their ears in pain. "_Round and roooooooooouuuuuuuuuuunnnnddddd!!!!"_

Tobi spent the next hour tied and gagged in the luggage compartment.

* * *

The bus rolled into a petrol station, giving everyone a chance to take a bathroom break. The Akatsuki (apart from Pein, who blatantly refused to open his fly in front of "that bunch of gay pervs") made their way to the public toilets. Konan went into the ladies. Deidara was the first into the men's and before anyone could go in after him, they heard a number of deep, manly screams. A second later, Deidara was hurled through the door out into the car park. After a moment, he dusted himself down and reluctantly entered the women's toilets. The other male Akatsuki went into the filthy toilets. Standing, looking at the worryingly short urinal trough, they regretted all going at once. Nobody able to wait, they were all forced to stand pressed up shoulder-to-shoulder. Kisame frowned and looked over his shoulder.

"Er, Itachi…" he said, "That's a sink…" He looked back forwards as Itachi, embarrassed, squeezed in between Kakuzu and Hidan. "Don't wash your hands in that one…" he whispered to Zetsu.

There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone fixed their eyes on the ceiling, desperate to avoid looking down. After five minutes of nothing, they started getting worried. All of a sudden, the sound of liquid could be heard hitting metal. It was immediately followed by a hissing sound. Everyone glanced down to see a smoking green liquid eating through the metal trough. They looked at each other, then decided that they didn't need the toilet after all. As everybody was zipping up, Tobi noticed something written on the wall. He frowned at it.

"Hidan…" said Tobi, pointing at the writing. "What does that mean?"

Hidan read the message and turned to Tobi solemnly.

"Come with me…" he said, opening a cubicle door, "It's time I told you the facts of life."

* * *

Two minutes later, Hidan came out of the toilets, arm around a shivering Tobi.

"Is that true?" Tobi whispered.

"I'm afraid so." Replied Hidan.

"But what about the muffin?"

Hidan patted Tobi's head. "Don't worry about that, it doesn't affect you…"

Pein stuck his head out of the window. "You two!" he yelled. "Get in the bus now! Our plane is leaving soon and I don't want have to hijack one again, like on our trip to Malta!"

Hidan and Tobi ran up the steps of the bus and quickly strapped on their seatbelts. The bus engine roared to life and the Akatsuki rolled onwards towards certain death: the airport!!"


	3. Trolley racing and cavity searches

Chapter 3

The terminal was buzzing with activity. The Akatsuki had to push through the crowds to get to the terminal. Suddenly, Tobi noticed an empty luggage trolley sitting unattended. He nudged Zetsu. The two of them grinned at each other and sneaked off towards it. Meanwhile, Kakuzu was getting violent with the girl at the checkout desk.

"You don't look like an OAP…" she said.

Kakuzu roared at her. "I'm 91, bitch!" he slammed his fist on the desk. "I only look so young and beautiful…" (Hidan giggled) "Because I steal people's hearts!"

She looked him up and down. "I'm sure you do…" she muttered.

Before the argument could continue, Konan looked around.

"Wait." She said. "Where are Tobi and Zetsu?"

Suddenly, her question was answered as the crowd of people suddenly scattered to the sound of: "FUCK!!! OUT OF THE WAY!!!!"

A moment later, a luggage trolley carrying Tobi and Zetsu soared over the heads of the terrified people. It slammed down on the terminal floor, swerving erratically as the two Akatsuki desperately tried to prevent their imminent demise.

"TOBI'S GONNA DIE!!!" Tobi screamed, crying, as the trolley smashed through a ticket machine.

The trolley jumped over a bench and, to Zetsu's alarm, careered towards a line of potted plants.

"NOOOOO!!" he shrieked at the plants, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!"

Being plants, the ferns didn't move especially quickly and were mown down by the speeding trolley, flattened and ripped to shreds under its tiny, squeaky wheels. Zetsu began to cry.

"So young… so full of hope…" he sobbed.

Tobi slapped him. "ZETSU!! We're about to be KILLED! Forget the friggin' weeds!" he shouted as the trolley barely missed a photo booth.

The two Akatsuki looked up in terror at a rapidly approaching W.H. Smith's. As the trolley flipped upside down after hitting a row of terminal chairs, Tobi screamed: "SH-"

His curse was cut short as the upside down trolley crashed through the shop window. A huge fireball erupted out of the door and windows as racks of mentos and Pepsi bottles were destroyed simultaneously, causing a titanic explosion of sugar and general cack. As the dust settled, the rest of the Akatsuki finally caught up with Tobi and Zetsu. Pein cautiously stuck his head through the door. The entire shop was destroyed. Tobi had collided with a rack of 'Millions' and the floor around his twitching body was covered with tiny coloured balls.

"-IT…" he moaned.

Zetsu, on the other hand, had hit the magazine section and as he lay dazed, the top shelf collapsed, depositing dozens of men's magazines on Zetsu's head.

"Woah…" he muttered, looking at the piles of porn lying around him. "This must be heaven."

Konan promptly slammed his head against the wall and shredded the magazines with her furious fingernails.

* * *

The paramedics attempted to remove all the millions Tobi had ingested before he suffocated. After ten tiring minutes, Pein was handed two half-full bags of multi-coloured sweets. He frowned at the paramedic.

"Couldn't you have put all of them in one bag?" he asked, "That would have been more convenient."

The paramedic coughed. "One bag has the millions we took out of one end." He said. "The other one is from the other."

Pein stared at the paramedic. Then he looked down at the bags, holding them as far away from himself as he could. "Which one's which?"

"Only one way to find out…" said the paramedic, walking slowly away.

Pein stood there for a while, staring at the millions.

"Ooo… MILLIONS!!!" Kisame squeaked, scampering over to Pein. "Can I have some?"

Pein looked at Kisame and back at the millions. "Sure," he said, handing over the bags, "Take 'em all!"

Kisame licked his lips and went behind a plant to devour the millions in private. Pein, turning his back, could barely contain his malicious smirk. He could hear vigorous slurping and chewing behind him. As he walked off to check on Tobi and Zetsu, he heard Kisame's cries:

"Ugh! These things taste like…"

* * *

30 minutes later, the Akatsuki were passing through the airport security. Suddenly, a guard grabbed Kakuzu from behind.

"Excuse me sir," he said, "I'm going to have to check your bag."

With an anxious look on his face, Kakuzu reluctantly handed his bag over. The guard took it over to the desk and, while Kakuzu stood around under the scrutiny of a dozen other security guards, pulled on a rubber glove and opened the bag. He didn't even have to stick his hand in. He beckoned another guard over. He stared into the bag and the two guards looked at each other.

Kakuzu twitched nervously. "Er… is there a problem?"

The guards glared at him. One of them tipped the bag so that everybody could see its contents. The bag was full to the brim with green leaved plants.

"Ah…" Kakuzu stuttered, "This isn't what it looks like…"

A statement he disproved as he attempted to make his escape out of a window. Before he could make it, he was tackled and dog-piled on by ten security guards. He was handcuffed and dragged away into a back room. The Akatsuki looked on in bewilderment.

"What're they going to do to him?" asked Konan.

Pein just smiled.

* * *

Ten minutes after his arrest, Kakuzu was let out of the back room. He was walking funnily and scratching his backside a lot. A grinning security guard stuck his head through the door.

"Yeah, smile, Kyle," Kakuzu yelled, wincing, over his shoulder. "But bear in mind, you just violated an old man!"

Kakuzu noticed the Akatsuki staring at him funnily and stopped. He glared at Zetsu, who was finding the situation especially hilarious.

"Never," Kakuzu growled, "Never, ever, ask me to carry your cousins through airport security again!"

Pein cleared his throat. "We'd better get on the plane." He leaned close to Kakuzu. "Don't worry," he whispered, "we'll find you a cushion."

* * *

Kakuzu winced again. The seats weren't overly soft on the plane. The stewardess gave the safety talk, which Itachi was less than happy with.

"Where did she say the emergency exits were?" he tried to whisper to Kisame but ended up whispering to a fat Thai woman on the opposite side.

He was also less than impressed with the TV built into the headrest. Tobi, however, was having the time of his life, flipping up the tray while making his chair go up and down, all while watching 'SpongeBob.' Hidan was making eyes at the stewardesses. Pein raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hidan…" he said, "That one was a man."

Hidan's eyes widened in shock. "Really? Jeez… Although he did look like Deidara."

Deidara had to be restrained so that Hidan wasn't splattered across the plane. It was a long and awkward journey, full of rampant gender confusion and gratuitous SpongBob, but in the end, the plane touched ground. Bags in hand, the Akatsuki walked (or in Kakuzu's case, limped), blinking into the bright Florida sunslight.


	4. Tobi killed Pluto!

Chapter 4

"Are you sure about this?" asked Kakuzu, with a scared edge to his voice.

"Don't worry, Kakuzu." Tobi assured him, "It'll be fine."

Kakuzu was not convinced, however, standing under the shadow of the huge archway that Kakuzu could only describe as the gates of Hell. He recoiled at the sight of terrifying beasts prowling around inside, taunting the helpless people trapped there.

"Welcome to Disney World," said Tobi.

* * *

Disney World was a magical place; small children laughing and frolicking with their favourite cartoon characters, fairytale castles and a general atmosphere of joy.

"Kill me…" begged Kakuzu.

"No!" yelled Konan. "Quit asking me!"

Tobi was the happiest he had ever been. He ran backwards and forwards across the park with no real purpose or direction, giggling like a simpleton. The rest of the Akatsuki followed slowly. Kisame looked over his shoulder.

"Zetsu!" he called, "What're you doing?"

Zetsu was crouched down beside the Mickey Mouse shaped flower arrangement.

"Shhh!" he said, glaring. He turned back to the flowers with a sly grin on his face. "So, ladies…"

Kisame shook his head and tutted to himself. "Fucking vegetable rapist."

Meanwhile, Kakuzu was scuttling across the pavements, arms tucked under his armpits, whispering: "So… much… joy… need… to… kill… something…."

* * *

The day was going well until suddenly, Tobi froze. He crouched down as if he was about to pounce on something. Without warning, he launched himself through a hedgerow. All that could be heard on the other side was a muffled scream and Tobi's demented giggling. The Akatsuki sprinted around the hedge.

"TOBI!!!" screamed Konan. "NOOO!!"

Tobi was viciously glomping Pluto, who was desperately trying to escape. Tobi was crying with delight; Pluto was screaming in terror and pain.

"Let him go Tobi!" yelled Pein. "You want us to be sued!?!?"

Tobi ignored him. "TOBI LOVES YOU!!!" he shrieked.

Before Tobi knew what was happening, he heard a loud ripping sound. Tobi stopped his glomp. With a shocked look, he realised he was holding Pluto's severed head in his hands. Tobi screamed in terror.

"TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!! TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!" Tobi took a breath. "TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!! TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!"

Tobi continued screaming this while he ran round and round Space Mountain, still holding the severed head. The other Akatsuki simply stood around, watching the paralysed, headless Pluto recover his breath and wonder just what the hell had happened.

"What happened?" asked Hidan.

Everyone glared at him.

"No, really, what happened?" he said, "I was busy checking out Cinderella."

* * *

"TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!! TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!! TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!"

Tobi was starting to annoy the people sitting with him on the Space Mountain roller coaster.

All the way up the long ascent: "TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!"

Going round the corkscrews: "TOOOOOOOBIIIIIII KIIIIIIIIILLLLED PLUUUUUUUUTOOOOO!!!"

* * *

The Akatsuki searched for him as hard as is possible while riding all the roller coasters, shopping for souvenirs and checking out the hot cartoon characters at the same time. It should really have been easy to catch someone who looked like a giant lollipop, screaming at the top of his voice and carrying a cartoon dog's head, but, alas, the Akatsuki are lazy bastards. Hidan was hanging around The Pirates of the Caribbean ride, watching the female pirates get wet, when he suddenly heard:

"TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!"

He looked around wildly and saw a flash of Akatsuki robes zooming past .

"Found him!" he shouted, running off in pursuit.

Hidan vaulted over a fence and chased Tobi across an open courtyard. Tobi found his path blocked by a set of café tables. He stopped and turned around to see Hidan barrelling towards him. Hidan was travelling too fast to stop, so instead tackled Tobi, crashing through the café tables, causing hot dogs and fries to rain down across the park.

"TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!" Tobi croaked, despite being in Hidan's headlock.

The other Akatsuki by now had arrived at the ruined café.

"You said to kill him, right?" Hidan asked Konan, choking the life out of Tobi.

"WHAT?!" Konan exclaimed, "No!"

Hidan disappointedly released Tobi's neck.

"TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!" he screamed, expanding his crushed windpipe.

"No you didn't!" Konan protested.

"Yes Tobi did!" argued Tobi. "Tobi ripped off Pluto's head! TOBI KILLED PLUTO!!!"

"It wasn't really Pluto." Mocked Pein. "It was just a guy in a suit."

Tobi's eyes widened in confusion. "Wha?"

"Yeah," said Kisame. "All of the characters here are just people in suits."

Tobi sat on the ground for a while, contemplating this. Suddenly there was an audible 'pop' as Tobi's brain snapped.

"TOBI FISHSTICK!!!" he shouted, to everybody's alarm. "MUFFIN! BAD TOBI MUFFIN FISHSTICK LLAMA!!!"

Without warning, Tobi bolted away and leapt over the fence, escaping into the Florida Everglades. There was a shocked silence shared between the Akatsuki.

"Muffin?" said Konan.

"Fishstick?" said Kisame.

"Llama?" said Zetsu.

"Rice milk?" said Hidan, to everyone's puzzlement.

"Oh, sorry, Snow White went past…" he explained. "What just happened?"


	5. Crotches maimed by rabid squirrels

Chapter 5

The airboat's fan buzzed as the Akatsuki sped through the Everglades. Kakuzu felt much happier here.

"This place is _so_ much better than Disney World!" he said, "miles and miles of bleak water and mud infested with deadly predators."

Hidan stared at him. "Are you crying?"

"What? No!" Yelled Kakuzu, inconspicuously wiping the joyful tears from his eyes.

"Toooobiiiiiii!" shouted Konan, starting to worry.

Pein put his hand on her shoulder. "He'll be fine, Konan-chan."

"You really think so?"

Pein coughed. "Well, either that or he's been eaten by an alligator…"

Konan death-glared at him. "Stop touching me."

Pein swiftly removed his hand.

Suddenly, Zetsu's ears pricked up.

"Stop the boat!" he shouted.

Kisame pulled the lever and the boat ground to a halt.

"What is it, Zetsu?" he asked.

Zetsu scanned the swamp. "I thought I heard…"

Suddenly, everybody was able to hear the obvious screeching sound.

"_The wheels on the bus go round and round…"_

Konan jumped for joy. "It's him!" she cried. "Follow that noise!"

"Do we have to?" asked Hidan, clutching his ears.

With a full-face slap from Konan, Hidan was sent flying into the water.

"ARRGGGHH!!!" He screamed, alligators swimming hungrily towards him, "PULL ME IN!!! FOR FUCK SAKE PULL ME IN!!!"

Pein reluctantly reached in and wrenched him out of the water just as a huge pair of jaws lunged for Hidan's crotch (not for the first time).

Konan pointed towards the source of the screeching noise. "That way!"

The fan started buzzing and the Akatsuki set of across the water.

* * *

The boat slowed as it progressed through the thick reeds. The sound of Tobi's singing seemed to be all around them. Never had 'The Wheels on the Bus' sounded more sinister. A faint orange glow could be seen coming from a group of trees up ahead. Kisame steered the airboat towards it. The Akatsuki came across a small island situated in a large expanse of marsh water, populated by six or seven willow trees. As they sailed close to the island, something caught Konan's eye.

"It's Tobi!" she gasped, pointing towards a dark silhouette in the centre of the island.

Without warning, she leapt from the boat to the shore.

"Konan! Wait!" shouted Pein, to no avail. "Damn women…" he muttered, jumping onto the ground, "They never listen."

Konan ran full pelt towards Tobi. "TOBI-KUN!" she cried, reaching out her arms to glomp him at full speed.

Her arms enclosed as she made contact. Tobi disintegrated. Konan shrieked in surprise as tiny bits of Tobi scattered over the island. When the others arrived, they found Konan, sprawled on the ground, clutching Tobi's head in her hands.

"What the fuck?" exclaimed Hidan.

Konan held the head up to the light.

"It's…it's…" she stammered.

"Made of nuts?!" Pein finished, picking an acorn from the head.

"Oh my God!!!" screamed Zetsu, "Tobi's gone nuts!"

Konan's hand impacted his face.

* * *

Everybody stared at Tobi's nut head.

"So where's the real Tobi?" asked Kisame.

Suddenly, a dark shape appeared between two of the trees.

"Tobi!" Pein cried, "There you are! We've missed you so much! Now get your mental ass over here so I can beat the shit out you!!!"

Tobi moved further into the light. Everyone stared. Kakuzu threw up.

"Oh, Tobi…" Kisame murmured, "Er, we _are_ glad to see you… It's just…"

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAKED!?!?!?!?" yelled Hidan.

_I'm _soooooo_ glad I'm blind,_ thought Itachi.

Tobi stared at them for a moment, and then let out a shrill squeak. The Akatsuki were getting creeped out now.

"Come on now Tobi," whispered Pein. "Let's get you home… and a towel."

Pein moved towards the naked ninga, who let out a threatening squeak (if such a thing exists). Suddenly, the trees rustled violently. Pein stopped and looked as dozens of tiny shapes appeared on the branches.

Kisame squinted at them. "What the… Squirrels?"

Many, many, many of the small furry creatures were lined up on the branches.

"Awwwwww." Said Konan in a really girly voice. "They're so cute!"

Suddenly, a brown blur zoomed down from above. Kakuzu screamed as a squirrel attached itself to his face and began savaging his eyes and mouth.

"FUCK!!!" he shouted, muffled by the furry maniac, tearing at his face, "THEY ARE **NOT** CUTE!!!"

A huge mass of squirrels simultaneously pounced from their treetop perches, landing on Kakuzu and proceeding to tear him to shreds.

"Oh for God's sake Tobi!" Pein sighed, "_Please_ tell me you haven't made yourself a cult of squirrels! Did you learn nothing from Itachi's meerkat fetish?"

"Silence!" yelled naked Tobi in a high pitched voice. "Or Tobi's children will eat you too!" He indicated the mass of fur tearing into Kakuzu.

Konan moved forwards slowly, hands raised in a non-threatening manner.

"Calm down Tobi-kun," she whispered soothingly. "We're your friends."

Tobi stared.

Konan moved closer. "Why don't you come back with us, Tobi? We'll-"

"WRAP IT UP, BIATCH!!!" screamed Kakuzu as the squirrels savaged him, "THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE BITING **MY CROTCH**!!!!!!!!"

"Kakuzu!" Konan yelled over her shoulder. "Keep quiet, I'm trying to talk to Tobi."

The only sound was of Kakuzu's groin being shredded. Konan turned back to Tobi.

"We'll help you… feed you, care for you…" she glanced downwards. "Clothe you…"

Tobi didn't say anything.

"Well?" Konan said, giving Tobi her puppy-dog eyes. "Are you coming?"

There was a moment of silence as everybody stared at Tobi in anticipation. Tobi raised his middle finger.

* * *

Konan sighed angrily. "Oh fuck it! Let's just beat him sane."

Tobi squealed in fright as he was grabbed by every guy in the Akatsuki (save for Kakuzu, who was… busy).

"Let go of Tobi!!" he screamed.

Pein nodded at Hidan. "Go for it."

Hidan grinned evilly. He drew back his hand and violently slapped Tobi's exposed stomach. Tobi winced as a bright red hand mark appeared. Hidan did this several more times.

"Stop!" shouted Pein. He leaned close to Tobi. "How'd you feel?"

Tobi coughed. "Marshmallows…" he murmured. "Jaffa cakes… Konan…"

Konan looked up, confused. "Eh?"

Hidan grinned. "Tasty things!"

Konan wasn't sure who to slap, so she slapped everybody.

Meanwhile, Kakuzu was still dying by rabid squirrels. "WHY IS NOBODY HELPING ME?!?" he moaned.

Everyone ignored him.

"Slightly better." Pein commented, "he's regained the ability to sexually harass Konan. But we need to turn it up a notch."

Kisame nodded. Tobi looked on in terror as he stuck his finger in his mouth and removed it with a pop. He waggled the saliva dripping digit in front of Tobi's face. Without warning, Kisame stabbed the finger straight into Tobi's ear. It made an ominous squelch and Tobi screamed.

"ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!! YOU FUCKER!!! IT'S IN TOBI'S BRAIN!!!"

Kisame wriggled it around. "You don't have a brain."

Tobi began to spasm. "RAMEN!!!" he shrieked. "ZEROX!! NORWICH UNION, SOON TO BE AVIVA!!!"

The Akatsuki looked weirdly at each other as Kisame's finger probed deeper.

"DEIDARA IS A MAN!!!"

Everybody started to panic.

"No Kisame!" shouted Hidan. "You're making him more insane!"

Kisame hurridly removed the finger. He was alarmed to find it covered in a bright yellow liquid. Tentatively, he touched it with the tip of his tongue.

"Custard?!" he exclaimed, licking his lips.

"ITACHI AND KISAME DO NOT HAVE A GAY RELATIONSHIP!!!" Tobi shouted.

"Oh my God!" Konan sobbed. "He's gone forever!"

Itachi glided forwards.

"SASORI IS ALIVE AND WELL!!!" yelled Tobi as Itachi came up in front of him.

Without a word, Itachi reached behind him. Tobi eyed him suspiciously. His hand came back out, and in it hung a frothing, viciously flailing, rabid squirrel. Tobi and Itachi made eye contact. Itachi smiled. Then he threw the squirrel between Tobi's legs.

* * *

There was a sound like a staple gun going off.

"SQUIRTY CREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!" screamed Tobi as he flailed about in agony.

"DEIDARA!!! YOU WOMAN!!!"

"That's it!" shouted Pein. "Quick, get rid of the squirrel before he becomes like Deidara!"

Hidan grabbed hold of the little animal firmly (he was the only one that would get that close to Tobi's crotch) and tugged hard, but the squirrel had a firm grip and wouldn't let go.

"I CAN'T!!!" he shouted.

Kisame grabbed hold of Hidan's waist and pulled as hard as he could.

"UMBRELLA!!! FILOFAX!!! PENGUIN!!!" shrieked Tobi.

"FOR FUCK SAKE SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!" Kakuzu screamed.

Soon, Hidan, Kisame, Pein, Konan, Deidara, Itachi and Zetsu had all joined the line trying to separate the squirrel from Tobi's crotch.

"The furry bastard really wants to hold onto Tobi's groin!" Zetsu observed inappropriately.

"JUMANJI!!!"

The Akatsuki gave one final tug. With a sickening ripping noise, crotch and squirrel became two separate objects as the squirrel was catapulted across the heads of the Akatsuki.

"DAMMIT!!!" roared Kakuzu as the squirrel landed on him, joining the mass of furry animals already eating him alive. "OH FUCK! THIS ONE HAS A TASTE FOR MEN'S GROINS!!!"

* * *

Tobi lay motionless on the grass. The Akatsuki leaned over him anxiously.

"Tobi?" asked Konan.

Tobi grunted.

"Are you OK?"

Silence.

Tobi took a breath. "Why am I naked?"

Everybody let out a relieved sigh.

"We were having a party." Said Hidan. "You got a little carried away…"

"Oh…" said Tobi. "Why does my crotch look like it's been mauled by a squirrel?"

Everybody looked at each other.

"Er…" said Hidan. "Deidara got carried away too…"

"Oh…" Tobi sighed. "At least it was a woman."

Deidara tackled both of them at the same time, one in each arm, and began strangling the life out of them both. They all started rolling around on the grass, trying to kill each other. Then they remembered that Tobi was naked.

"Er… Konan…" Deidara inquired, glancing up, "What's with the camera?"


	6. Home again

Home again

Tobi poured himself a cup of decaf (the other Akatsuki had long ago learnt the price of letting Tobi take caffeine) out of the Akatsuki lair coffee machine. He searched around for some sugar, but remembered he wasn't allowed anywhere near that either; the New Year's party had shown everyone the error of that (it took weeks to unstuck Deidara from the ceiling). Walking down the corridor, his drink in hand, Tobi thought about how nice it was to be home again.

"_Florida was fun," _thought Tobi, _"but being tied up in the luggage compartment of a bus, given a sex talk by a perverted religious guy, nearly dying on a runaway trolley, cavity searches, killing a cartoon character and having my groin chewed off by a squirrel kind of tired me out…"_

Tobi painfully rubbed the said chewed body area. Unfortunately, Konan, who was walking the other way at the time, was not privy to his thoughts and only saw Tobi fiddling with himself. However, living with a bunch of men, she was used to such displays and no longer saw them as rude; more of an easy way of making money on eBay.

* * *

Kakuzu sat cradling his legs on his bed, an ice pack firmly clamped between them. Worse than the throbbing groin pain, he couldn't get the images from Disney World out of his head. Every time he tried to sleep, he woke screaming from a nightmare of happy smiling children and bright shiny things.

"So… happy…" he moaned, "must… kill… happy… muffin… death… nya…"

Suddenly he had the answer. Gingerly getting up, he limped out of the room, crossing the hallway to the door opposite. Kakuzu breathed in heavily.

"_Brace yourself…" _he told himself.

The door swung open, revealing Kakuzu's worst nightmare. Hello Kitty. Mountains and mountains of pink, fluffy, adorable Hello Kitty. It was a sight to cause all but the hardiest goth to weep with joy and subsequently soil themselves due to the inevitable diarrhoea that follows contact with oriental merchandise. Kakuzu went straight to the second stage, immediately throwing up in the doorway.

"Oh my God…" he gasped, shielding his eyes from the blinding pink light (this is the _real_ reason why Itachi went blind).

Kakuzu tensed himself. _"This is it," _he thought, _"I'm going in."_

With a bloodthirsty roar, he sprang at the Hello Kitty. Soft fluffy stuffing flew in every direction as pieces of plush kitten were hurled against the wall. It was at this point that Kakuzu, a decapitated Hello Kitty clamped between his teeth, noticed somebody gaping at him from the open doorway.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM!?!?!?" screamed Pein, staring at the slaughterhouse of Hello Kitty.

A piece of fluff floated out of Kakuzu's jaws. "Your room?"

Pein stopped. "Er… I mean…" he stuttered. He started laughing. "What, you think this is my room? You really think I have Hello Kitty in my room?" He gazed at the face of one of the dolls. "Sweet… adorable… amazing… Hello Kitty?" He took a step towards a seriously freaked out Kakuzu. "Someone to talk to… Someone to tell all my secrets to… Someone who cares?"

"WHAT THE HELL!?" cried Kakuzu, shrinking away from the teary eyed Akatsuki leader.

Pein ignored him. He gently picked up one of the few intact dolls. "A lovable friend…" Suddenly, Pein's eyes bolted open as he saw a large Hello Kitty lying dismembered in the corner. "MOLLY!!!" he shrieked, diving at the destroyed doll.

Kakuzu stared as Pein began to cry over the Hello Kitty Kakuzu had killed. The masked Akatsuki was torn; should he stay and film this or get the fuck out of there while he still could? Pein tried in vain to reattach the pieces. By the time he had begun howling at the sky in despair, Kakuzu had already taken the second option.

* * *

Wispy smoke drifted under Hidan's door. Zetsu frowned in puzzlement. Cautiously, he pushed the door open and investigated.

"Hey there buddy!" Hidan greeted him with a strange voice.

Zetsu stared at the white object pressed between Hidan's lips.

"Hidan, is that a spliff?!" he exclaimed.

Hidan giggled. "I know you are, but what am I?"

Zetsu sighed. "Are you smoking weed again?"

"Yeah!" cried Hidan, "and mum's ya so!"

Zetsu narrowed his eyes. "Where did you get the weed?" he asked suspiciously.

Hidan was not quick enough to hide the empty plant pots beside the bed. In a flash, the human plant had them in his hands, a horrified and murderous look in his eyes.

"YOU SMOKED MY PARENTS, YOU ASSHOLE!!!" he screeched, bludgeoning Hidan to death with the pot.

"It's the way they always wanted to go!" cried Hidan under the frenzied beating of the ceramic plant pots.

"They wanted to die in their sleep as old trees!" screamed Zetsu, slamming the pot down again.

Hidan spat out some teeth. "Is this a bad time to say I did your mum before she died?" he asked.

Zetsu roared and kicked him in the face.

"Although I can't really tell the genders of plants…" Hidan continued, the concussion making little difference to his brain power, "so it might have been your dad."

Zetsu grabbed Hidan by his hair and slammed his head against the floor.

"Whoever it was," Hidan gasped, "they were even worse than your grandparents…"

* * *

Tobi lay on his bed, contentedly sipping at his hot coffee. Suddenly, he heard a faint rattling coming from his wardrobe.

"Deidara?" he asked, slowly moving towards the closet, "Tobi thought we agreed not to do the closet thing until the leather comes back from the laundrette…"

Grabbing hold of the handles, he flung the closet open. Instantly, he was enveloped by some kind of furry tidal wave. He opened his eyes to see his room full of little squirrels staring at him intently. With a shriek, he leapt onto the bed, shielding what little groin furniture he had remaining. All of a sudden, the squirrels bowed, chanting something in squirrel language. Tobi cautiously and reluctantly moved his hands away from his crotch.

"Hmmm…" he mused, gazing at the masses of small furry worshippers, "this may have its uses…"

Itachi was not the kind of person to sing in the shower. In fact, he much preferred slitting his arms open and writing depressing poetry on the shower walls. Never the less, it was his lack of eyesight that let him down this time. If he could see, he would surely have spotted the dozens of small furry animals standing outside the shower door, many of them pointing camera phones at him. He would probably also seen the squirrel that leapt onto the toilet flusher, causing icy cold water to shoot across his *unsuitable content*, which he found less than amusing. Most of all, he may well have spotted the bundle of claws and fangs hiding in his underpants on the bed. Alas, his screams echo through the corridors still…

* * *

**R: Alright, that's about it. By now this storyline is running kinda dry, so it's best we end it here. I wasn't going to do this last chapter, but after the reviews I've been getting, I thought I should… Anyway, why not check out my other Akatsuki stuff, all similar kind of ideas to this. You might also want to check out stuff by x-Hidan's Lover-x, x-Deidara's Lover-x, x-Itachi Lover-x and x-Pein and Itachi lover-x (assuming the woman ever writes a damn thing). Lastly, if you've got any suggestions for weird stuff the Akatsuki could do for a story, please include them in the reviews of this chapter.**

**DANKE!!!**


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